It was easy to ignore when it was just them. Roommates, Best friends since 13 and completely inseparable.

It was easy to ignore it when it was just fun and just them, and Seth can forget for a while.

When the invitation stares him in the face, though, it stops working.

He can barely get past the silver scrawls of ink-

(You are cordially invited to celebrate the union of Shane-)

before he scrambles to the bathroom and loses his breakfast.

It ‘s lovely too, something Seth could’ve appreciated had it been for any other occasion. Creamy cardstock cut in clever angles and winding pink- hell, Sera had even chose his favorite color.

The fiancee is home though, picking up the offending paper with admiration.

(“Hey” he calls out, thumbing the roses pressed into the cardstock. “Sera did a nice job”)

The brunette can’t even get through her name before he’s bent over again, emptying out his heart as well.

000 000 000

He can’t pinpoint when it happened- if it was even a happening to begin with. Perhaps it was always like this and Seth only put a name to it six years ago. Love always felt kind of funny in his mouth, even funnier when he turned his head and considered attaching it to Shane. To this boy in sloppy jeans and too big-shirts.

Only the shirts are tighter around his biceps now, trailing up from broad shoulders to a sharp jawline. The shock hits him like a tidal wave. Less about how somewhere along the line- between sandbox playmates and nervous first dates- Shane had stopped being a boy and turned into a man.

And more about how there was never any considering to be done.

Seth had already attached this awkward four letter word to him, and the boy held it captive like a vice.

He had the sinking feeling that he always would.

000 000 000

Of course it’s awkward when Sera comes into the picture. It’s always been Seth and Shane. This alien with short hair and soft curves didn’t belong in the angles between them.

He doesn’t expect things to change with this new addition, though. Erika melded in flawlessly to their duo.

Why would Sera be any different? Of course Seth gets along with her best. They’re two peas in a pod, really. 

And it’s not like he doesn’t notice the way Shane’s been getting snappy. The way his eyes narrow at every touch, every silly text she sends him. Seth thinks it’s jealousy at first, the thought of being replaced- even if Shane is being an idiot. Sera was a good friend, a close friend.

 But she wasn’t Shane.

(At the same time though, she knew the best stores and the perfect accessories to really bring together an outfit. It wasn’t his fault if Shane was allergic to 99.9% of his interests, and she was actually, well,  fun to go shopping with.)

 “You’re still my best friend” He makes sure to remind him, eyes soft like they always were for this stupid little boy. “You’ll always be number one”

The brunette agrees with something akin to relief in his eyes.

“You too.”

000 000 000

Three weeks later they start dating and Seth realizes Shane had been feeling a different kind of jealousy.

000 000 000

It’s their cupcake phase and everyone is happy. The world is sunshine and rainbows and he wakes Seth in the middle of the night just to tell him how fucking great everything is. Like he doesn’t know, like he doesn’t feel the happiness radiating off of him. The couple is the King Midas of love. Whatever they touch turns to gold and flowers. He may or may not have found traces of unicorn hair in the shower.

And for a while, Seth is perfectly happy too. Shane spends time with him, Shane pays attention to him. Shane is happy because

“I’m in love.” He whispers one night, curled up in bed. Breathless like he’s had the wind knocked out of him by the sheer intensity of his feelings. “Seth; I’m so, so in love.”

Seth wonders what it’s like to love someone so much it hurts. Past hot blushes and butterflies, and right into the feeling that settles into the pit of his stomach. He takes one look at himself, at Shane’s face so close and beautiful and marvels as his chest burns something awful.

 He realizes he’s known the answer for years.

000 000 000

Of course what goes up must come down.

It’s not bad yet, but it’s not too good either. He’s getting more distant. It’s like highschool and jealousy all over again and he wonders if this is how Shane felt when he was the one getting close to Sera. The feeling of being pushed aside for- Sorry, I already made plans with her.” Or- “Maybe later, Seth, I’m busy.”

He knows that they’re already dating and Sera deserves his time, but still.

Still.

Days pass when Shane is moody- horrible, dreary days where it’s just Seth left alone to his thoughts. He begins to look for assurance in the smallest things, and it’s a petty sort of idea that Seth absolutely hates. He’s caught in a drought, waiting for the rain to fall, waiting for some sign- any sign- that Shane

Shane still cares like he used to.

Number one and forever and maybe he stopped being sure of it long before that.

He opens his mouth one day, planning to bring it up.

“Shane” He begins, reaching for his hand.  “Shane I-“

I feel so lonely. I feel like we’re not the same anymore. I feel like you’re already gone from me. If it’s not what you want now, I get it. But please don’t leave me like this. Please, I-

Shane’s phone rings before he can get the first syllable out.

Of course it’s Sera again.

Seth’s hand drops to his side.

It’s always Sera.

 000 000 000

“Hey Shane I was just calling because it’s y-know. Two in the morning and you still aren’t home”

“It’s okay. I’ll be okay. Sera is here”

“What? Where is here? Look, just tell me when you’ll be ba -“

“Sorry, It’s really hard to talk here, don’t wait up for me”

000 000 000

Shane proposes on a warm Friday night.

It’s dinner with the six of them. Like it’s always been, Like it will always be.

Only-

Only he’s wishing for it to be more about two of them now, two out of six.

He stutters a little, fingers shaking slightly when he gets down on one knee. Seth would’ve thought it adorable if he didn’t feel his heart explode somewhere in the vicinity of his throat. Sera’s nails dig hard into his arm, smile blinding as she looks back and forth, back and forth.

“Ohmigod” She hisses in his ear, something similar flying out of everyone’s mouth.

And ‘oh’

Is all Seth can say, wide eyed and lips parted. Because

Oh.

All those nights with Sera, all the .

Oh.

And he knew the way they were going, that this day would come eventually.  One month of drama doesn’t compare to four years of love, really. (Can’t help but to compare it to eight years of it, since sandbox playdates, and best friends.)

Tears pool at the corners of his eyes, and he scrubs at them furiously.

Of course the answer is a yes, always been a yes.

000 000 000

And it’s like the cupcake phase all over again.

And contrary to his tone, Seth is happy. Seth is so, so happy he could explode whenever he sees Shane. No one could ignore that kind of joy. Not when those dark ugly days are over and Shane is finally paying attention to him again.

Of course the feeling is still there. That ugly spot of insecurity. But he can manage it now. He can manage it because it’s swept under the rug to ignore. He wakes up to Shane, falls asleep with him; cooks his meals and listens to him talk. Of course the brunette spends time with Sera and the others, but that’s expected.  That ugly misunderstanding was cleared up and everything can be okay because out of sight, out of mind. Forget that the wedding is coming closer, forget that he’s leaving his heart open and vulnerable, scared of all the what-ifs and maybes and-

He tucks the thought of heartache and marriage and anxiety away, leaves it to fester and morph into a different kind of insecurity.  He had time to deal with those demons later.

Later.

000 000 000

It was easy to ignore when it was just them. Roomates, Best friends since 13 and completely inseparable. It was easy to ignore it when it was just fun and just them, and Seth can forget for a while.

When the invitation stares him in the face, though, it stops working.

000 000 000

He feels guilty every time he’s near Sera- like he’s lying to her even though his lips say yes- of course I’d love to go shop for wedding favors today.

In reality though, Seth kind of feels like dying.

It’s a little overdramatic, a little crude. But there’s a sad sort of smile that plays on her lips everytime she catches sight of him. She never says anything, never hints anything, but he has the strangest feeling that she knows.

He’s only thankful that she isn’t angry.

He couldn’t bear two people leaving him in the end.

000 000 000

Jay is equally hard to deal with, he  doesn’t know how to shut up- God bless his soul- and all he can talk about is “Married. Married married married” and “Bride bride bride” Seth doesn’t fancy himself overdramatic, but he can’t help the desire to gag Jay everytime the “b” word shoots out of his mouth.

Erika, though. Erika is the worst of all. There’s only quiet with her as she gives him the understanding look, and it’s the deafening silence of his own thoughts that makes it so very hard.

Because what if this changes everything. What if this screws them up- makes everything go to shit. The sense of obligation that comes to Shane with silver wrapped around his finger- what if he gets tired of him when he realizes he has this forever kind of deal to deal with. Seth couldn’t handle it if Shane walked out on his life, if he played less of a part than he did before.

Seth couldn’t handle being thrown away.

“Shane” she says quietly, rubbing circles across his back. She soothes through touch; knowing better than to depend on words. She’s heard enough from her friends, heard how common this behavior is, and the fact it’s incurable till the deed is done.

Erika doesn’t lie though, even if Seth doesn’t want to hear it.

“Shane, he’s doing the right thing.”

Seth cries harder.

000 000 000

“Big day” Sera chants like a mantra. Understandably, she’s excited. The fruits of her effort, of her love. Of a year’s worth of planning- of course she’s excited for it to all come together.

Of course Seth wants to punch her and perhaps find a large piece of rubber tubing to choke himself with.

He wonders vaguely if men often think this during weddings, but Sera is smiling at him with a grin brighter than diamonds and the thought withers away. He can’t take it anymore. The anxiety, the guilt. Postponing the confrontation he’s dreading but is too selfish to ignore.

She leaves the dressing room to adjust her makeup and Seth dashes out the door.

000 000 000

“What are you doing here?” Is understandably his first question.

Clear surprise is written over his face at Seth’s sudden appearance, hands pausing in the middle of looping his tie. His smile is amiable despite the incredulous expression. “Didn’t Sera sa-“

“Shut up” was clearly not the response he was expecting, though. His eyebrows furrow at the vicious interruption, but it shuts him up. “I need-”

I need-

Only he doubles over before the words can get out, palms pressed flat against his eyes to stifle the moisture behind them. God knows he’s embarrassed enough; another breakdown quite possibly the last thing on his ‘desired’ list. Not in front of Shane, at least. Not on his big day.

The brunette is at his side less than a second later though, confusion traded in for concern. Fingers wrap around Seth’s wrist, pulling him up and flush against a six hundred dollar tuxedo.

“Hey” He breathes, warm. Close. “Seth, what’s wrong?”

What isn’t. He wants to laugh; an ugly, wry kind of chuckle. I’m a wreck. An insecure wreck. I’m 23 and have more abandonment issues than a foster child. I can’t stand the thought of loosing you. Not before I make sure that this is what you want. I can’t live without knowing the chance that you’d change your mind, or get any closer because it’ll kill me Shane. It’ll knock me dead if this changes us.

I have to know-

“Happy“ He ends up choking, a hiccup breaking the syllables as he presses into Shane’s shoulder. “I need to know if you’re happy.”

And where are all your walls now? You live your life in this bubble and you expect him to cater to this for the rest of his life? 

“Of course I’m happy” He says instead. To give him credit, there’s no hesitation. Confusion, maybe. Distress. But no hesitation. He almost sounds desperate to confirm his feelings, palms sliding to cradle his face. “I- Hell Seth, I’m getting married with the love of my life-“

and here’s where he looks unsure. “a-aren’t you?”

Because they’ve always been a team, haven’t they? They took their punches together, rolled through the tide together, and every decision was 100% with them- even if they disagreed. Of course Shane’s confused. He made the fatal flaw of assuming everything was alright. Wrapped up in his own happiness and-

“Oh, Seth” He sighs, and he can’t stand the regret in Shane eyes as it all clicks into place. As he looks back and finally realizes all the looks, all the nervous little glances he’s been getting the past three months (and 8 years). “Oh, Seth, you couldn’t possibly… what made you even thin-“

“Don’t” He bites back, harsher than necessary, before his eyes well up again. His face scrunches up, teeth clamping hard on his lip because he can’t stand how pathetic he looks. How needy, and  “Don’t, Shane. Just answer me, please”

The look he gives says it all. An apology and reassurance all in one- He’s more than willing to end the suffering and deliver the closure the blonde needs.

“Happy wouldn’t cover it.” he breathes, face breaking into a smile so bright it nearly blinds him. “Married. The forever kind of deal, you know. The one. Do you know how lucky I am? My bride-“

Seth’s chest constricts painfully at the mention, and Shane notices the twist in his face and winces in apology. This is no time for jokes when he knows Seth needs to hear it.

“is perfect” and the look in his eyes, clear and with so much honesty it hurts.

“But you’d know that, wouldn’t you?”

“Yeah” Seth chokes. “Yeah, I do.”

Sera would kill him. But Seth finds himself in being selfish so he kisses Shane for all it’s worth. One last time, it says- so desperate, too desperate. Let me just remember this before it ends, before you go and I go and everything changes.

Shane lets him.

000 000 000

The suit is stifling when he gets it on, but he manages. One button, two buttons, and he’s following the procession down the aisle. Jay is his escort and Seth hopes to God that he’ll forget his tendency to trip over nothing.

Sera smiles at him from the alter, stunning swathed in the lavender silk of her bridesmaid’s dress. The bouquet spill pink orchids down his fingers and he almost cries at how perfect she is. For dealing with his moods, for understanding. There’s no guilt in the smile he graces her this time, No pretending. Only the clammy slick sweat of his palms as his shoes crush the petals lining the aisle.

Jay giggles his approval, forgetting the running joke of ‘bride’ and dress suggestions in the warmth of the actual event. The flowers were a compromise to the image though, even if he secretly agrees they contrast nicely against his tux. It doesn’t take long to find Erika either, ready to catch the look that dawns on Seth’s face with a private smile.

“I told you” it says- so very smug and Erika. “I told you he made the right decision”.

His prediction isn’t disappointed, of course. Not with the way Seth looks at him. The way he looks at Seth. Dazed and wondering what kind of miracle he pulled to deserve this. Like he’s the greatest thing to ever happen to him in his life, really and how could you possibly think a marriage would change that? Do anything but make a bond stronger?

And everything might change from this point, yeah. Maybe it was the end of the safety zone, no turning back once the rings were on and lips pressed tight. It officially began three weeks after “Best friends forever” but he has a feeling this started long before that, from sandbox playdates and awkward first dates to a marriage proposal that took three months of encouragement from Sera to go through with.

“ Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses, to join Seth and Shane-“

And yes, Seth thinks to himself. definitely the right decision.