Wednesday, November 21, 2012 @ 2:45 AM
2 more to go :D
MCQs left! Jiayous jiayous!
A fanfic idea that has been stuck in my mind for wayy to long and now it's finally written yayyyyyy ^^
----------------------------------------
It was easy to ignore when it was just them. Roommates, Best
friends since 13 and completely inseparable.
It was easy to ignore it when it was just fun and just them,
and Seth can forget for a while.
When the invitation stares him in the face, though, it stops
working.
He can barely get past the silver scrawls of ink-
(You are cordially
invited to celebrate the union of Shane-)
before he scrambles to the bathroom and loses his breakfast.
It ‘s lovely too, something Seth could’ve appreciated had it
been for any other occasion. Creamy cardstock cut in clever angles and winding pink-
hell, Sera had even chose his favorite color.
The fiancee is home though, picking up the offending paper
with admiration.
(“Hey” he calls out, thumbing the roses pressed into the
cardstock. “Sera did a nice job”)
The brunette can’t even get through her name before he’s
bent over again, emptying out his heart as well.
000 000 000
He can’t pinpoint when it happened- if it was even a
happening to begin with. Perhaps it was always like this and Seth only put a
name to it six years ago. Love always felt kind of funny in his mouth, even
funnier when he turned his head and considered attaching it to Shane. To this
boy in sloppy jeans and too big-shirts.
Only the shirts are tighter around his biceps now, trailing
up from broad shoulders to a sharp jawline. The shock hits him like a tidal
wave. Less about how somewhere along the line- between sandbox playmates and
nervous first dates- Shane had stopped being a boy and turned into a man.
And more about how there was never any considering to be
done.
Seth had already attached this awkward four letter word to
him, and the boy held it captive like a vice.
He had the sinking feeling that he always would.
000 000 000
Of course it’s awkward when Sera comes into the picture.
It’s always been Seth and Shane. This alien with short hair and soft curves
didn’t belong in the angles between them.
He doesn’t expect things to change with this new addition,
though. Erika melded in flawlessly to their duo.
Why would Sera be any different? Of course Seth gets along
with her best. They’re two peas in a pod, really.
And it’s not like he doesn’t notice the way Shane’s been
getting snappy. The way his eyes narrow at every touch, every silly text she
sends him. Seth thinks it’s jealousy at first, the thought of being replaced-
even if Shane is being an idiot. Sera was a good friend, a close friend.
But she wasn’t Shane.
(At the same time though, she knew the best stores and the
perfect accessories to really bring together an outfit. It wasn’t his fault if Shane
was allergic to 99.9% of his interests, and she was actually, well, fun to go shopping with.)
“You’re still my best
friend” He makes sure to remind him, eyes soft like they always were for this
stupid little boy. “You’ll always be number one”
The brunette agrees with something akin to relief in his
eyes.
“You too.”
000 000 000
Three weeks later they start dating and Seth realizes Shane
had been feeling a different kind of jealousy.
000 000 000
It’s their cupcake phase and everyone is happy. The world is
sunshine and rainbows and he wakes Seth in the middle of the night just to tell
him how fucking great everything is. Like he doesn’t know, like he doesn’t feel
the happiness radiating off of him. The couple is the King Midas of love.
Whatever they touch turns to gold and flowers. He may or may not have found
traces of unicorn hair in the shower.
And for a while, Seth is perfectly happy too. Shane spends
time with him, Shane pays attention to him. Shane is happy because
“I’m in love.” He whispers one night, curled up in bed.
Breathless like he’s had the wind knocked out of him by the sheer intensity of
his feelings. “Seth; I’m so, so in love.”
Seth wonders what it’s like to love someone so much it
hurts. Past hot blushes and butterflies, and right into the feeling that
settles into the pit of his stomach. He takes one look at himself, at Shane’s
face so close and beautiful and marvels as his chest burns something awful.
He realizes he’s
known the answer for years.
000 000 000
Of course what goes up must come down.
It’s not bad yet, but it’s not too good either. He’s getting
more distant. It’s like highschool and jealousy all over again and he wonders
if this is how Shane felt when he was the one getting close to Sera. The
feeling of being pushed aside for- Sorry, I already made plans with her.” Or-
“Maybe later, Seth, I’m busy.”
He knows that they’re already dating and Sera deserves his
time, but still.
Still.
Days pass when Shane is moody- horrible, dreary days where
it’s just Seth left alone to his thoughts. He begins to look for assurance in
the smallest things, and it’s a petty sort of idea that Seth absolutely hates.
He’s caught in a drought, waiting for the rain to fall, waiting for some sign-
any sign- that Shane
Shane still cares like he used to.
Number one and forever and maybe he stopped being sure of it
long before that.
He opens his mouth one day, planning to bring it up.
“Shane” He begins, reaching for his hand. “Shane I-“
I feel so lonely. I
feel like we’re not the same anymore. I feel like you’re already gone from me.
If it’s not what you want now, I get it. But please don’t leave me like this.
Please, I-
Shane’s phone rings before he can get the first syllable
out.
Of course it’s Sera again.
Seth’s hand drops to his side.
It’s always Sera.
000 000 000
“Hey Shane I was just
calling because it’s y-know. Two in the morning and you still aren’t home”
“It’s okay. I’ll be
okay. Sera is here”
“What? Where is here?
Look, just tell me when you’ll be ba -“
“Sorry, It’s really
hard to talk here, don’t wait up for me”
000 000 000
Shane proposes on a warm Friday night.
It’s dinner with the six of them. Like it’s always been,
Like it will always be.
Only-
Only he’s wishing for it to be more about two of them now,
two out of six.
He stutters a little, fingers shaking slightly when he gets
down on one knee. Seth would’ve thought it adorable if he didn’t feel his heart
explode somewhere in the vicinity of his throat. Sera’s nails dig hard into his
arm, smile blinding as she looks back and forth, back and forth.
“Ohmigod” She hisses in his ear, something similar flying
out of everyone’s mouth.
And ‘oh’
Is all Seth can say, wide eyed and lips parted. Because
Oh.
All those nights with Sera, all the .
Oh.
And he knew the way they were going, that this day would
come eventually. One month of drama
doesn’t compare to four years of love, really. (Can’t help but to compare it to
eight years of it, since sandbox playdates, and best friends.)
Tears pool at the corners of his eyes, and he scrubs at them
furiously.
Of course the answer is a yes, always been a yes.
000 000 000
And it’s like the cupcake phase all over again.
And contrary to his tone, Seth is happy. Seth is so, so
happy he could explode whenever he sees Shane. No one could ignore that kind of
joy. Not when those dark ugly days are over and Shane is finally paying
attention to him again.
Of course the feeling is still there. That ugly spot of
insecurity. But he can manage it now. He can manage it because it’s swept under
the rug to ignore. He wakes up to Shane, falls asleep with him; cooks his meals
and listens to him talk. Of course the brunette spends time with Sera and the
others, but that’s expected. That ugly
misunderstanding was cleared up and everything can be okay because out of
sight, out of mind. Forget that the wedding is coming closer, forget that he’s
leaving his heart open and vulnerable, scared of all the what-ifs and maybes
and-
He tucks the thought of heartache and marriage and anxiety
away, leaves it to fester and morph into a different kind of insecurity. He had time to deal with those demons later.
Later.
000 000 000
It was easy to ignore when it was just them. Roomates, Best
friends since 13 and completely inseparable. It was easy to ignore it when it
was just fun and just them, and Seth can forget for a while.
When the invitation stares him in the face, though, it stops
working.
000 000 000
He feels guilty every time he’s near Sera- like he’s lying
to her even though his lips say yes- of course I’d love to go shop for wedding
favors today.
In reality though, Seth kind of feels like dying.
It’s a little overdramatic, a little crude. But there’s a
sad sort of smile that plays on her lips everytime she catches sight of him.
She never says anything, never hints anything, but he has the strangest feeling
that she knows.
He’s only thankful that she isn’t angry.
He couldn’t bear two people leaving him in the end.
000 000 000
Jay is equally hard to deal with, he doesn’t know how to shut up- God bless his
soul- and all he can talk about is “Married. Married married married” and
“Bride bride bride” Seth doesn’t fancy himself overdramatic, but he can’t help
the desire to gag Jay everytime the “b” word shoots out of his mouth.
Erika, though. Erika is the worst of all. There’s only quiet
with her as she gives him the understanding look, and it’s the deafening
silence of his own thoughts that makes it so very hard.
Because what if this changes everything. What if this screws
them up- makes everything go to shit. The sense of obligation that comes to Shane
with silver wrapped around his finger- what if he gets tired of him when he
realizes he has this forever kind of deal to deal with. Seth couldn’t handle it
if Shane walked out on his life, if he played less of a part than he did
before.
Seth couldn’t handle being thrown away.
“Shane” she says quietly, rubbing circles across his back. She
soothes through touch; knowing better than to depend on words. She’s heard
enough from her friends, heard how common this behavior is, and the fact it’s
incurable till the deed is done.
Erika doesn’t lie though, even if Seth doesn’t want to hear
it.
“Shane, he’s doing the right thing.”
Seth cries harder.
000 000 000
“Big day” Sera chants like a mantra. Understandably, she’s
excited. The fruits of her effort, of her love. Of a year’s worth of planning-
of course she’s excited for it to all come together.
Of course Seth wants to punch her and perhaps find a large
piece of rubber tubing to choke himself with.
He wonders vaguely if men often think this during weddings,
but Sera is smiling at him with a grin brighter than diamonds and the thought
withers away. He can’t take it anymore. The anxiety, the guilt. Postponing the
confrontation he’s dreading but is too selfish to ignore.
She leaves the dressing room to adjust her makeup and Seth
dashes out the door.
000 000 000
“What are you doing here?” Is understandably his first
question.
Clear surprise is written over his face at Seth’s sudden
appearance, hands pausing in the middle of looping his tie. His smile is
amiable despite the incredulous expression. “Didn’t Sera sa-“
“Shut up” was clearly not the response he was expecting,
though. His eyebrows furrow at the vicious interruption, but it shuts him up.
“I need-”
I need-
Only he doubles over before the words can get out, palms
pressed flat against his eyes to stifle the moisture behind them. God knows
he’s embarrassed enough; another breakdown quite possibly the last thing on his
‘desired’ list. Not in front of Shane, at least. Not on his big day.
The brunette is at his side less than a second later though,
confusion traded in for concern. Fingers wrap around Seth’s wrist, pulling him
up and flush against a six hundred dollar tuxedo.
“Hey” He breathes, warm. Close. “Seth, what’s wrong?”
What isn’t. He wants to laugh; an ugly, wry kind of chuckle.
I’m a wreck. An insecure wreck. I’m 23
and have more abandonment issues than a foster child. I can’t stand the thought
of loosing you. Not before I make sure that this is what you want. I can’t live
without knowing the chance that you’d change your mind, or get any closer
because it’ll kill me Shane. It’ll knock me dead if this changes us.
I have to know-
“Happy“ He ends up choking, a hiccup breaking the syllables
as he presses into Shane’s shoulder. “I need to know if you’re happy.”
And where are all your
walls now? You live your life in this bubble and you expect him to cater to
this for the rest of his life?
“Of course I’m happy” He says instead. To give him credit,
there’s no hesitation. Confusion, maybe. Distress. But no hesitation. He almost
sounds desperate to confirm his feelings, palms sliding to cradle his face. “I-
Hell Seth, I’m getting married with the love of my life-“
and here’s where he looks unsure. “a-aren’t you?”
Because they’ve always been a team, haven’t they? They took
their punches together, rolled through the tide together, and every decision
was 100% with them- even if they disagreed. Of course Shane’s confused. He made
the fatal flaw of assuming everything was alright. Wrapped up in his own
happiness and-
“Oh, Seth” He sighs, and he can’t stand the regret in Shane
eyes as it all clicks into place. As he looks back and finally realizes all the
looks, all the nervous little glances he’s been getting the past three months
(and 8 years). “Oh, Seth, you couldn’t possibly… what made you even thin-“
“Don’t” He bites back, harsher than necessary, before his eyes
well up again. His face scrunches up, teeth clamping hard on his lip because he
can’t stand how pathetic he looks. How needy, and “Don’t, Shane. Just answer me, please”
The look he gives says it all. An apology and reassurance
all in one- He’s more than willing to end the suffering and deliver the closure
the blonde needs.
“Happy wouldn’t cover it.” he breathes, face breaking into a
smile so bright it nearly blinds him. “Married. The forever kind of deal, you
know. The one. Do you know how lucky I am? My bride-“
Seth’s chest constricts painfully at the mention, and Shane
notices the twist in his face and winces in apology. This is no time for jokes
when he knows Seth needs to hear it.
“is perfect” and the look in his eyes, clear and with so much
honesty it hurts.
“But you’d know that, wouldn’t you?”
“Yeah” Seth chokes. “Yeah, I do.”
Sera would kill him. But Seth finds himself in being selfish
so he kisses Shane for all it’s worth. One last time, it says- so desperate,
too desperate. Let me just remember this before it ends, before you go and I go
and everything changes.
Shane lets him.
000 000 000
The suit is stifling when he gets it on, but he manages. One
button, two buttons, and he’s following the procession down the aisle. Jay is
his escort and Seth hopes to God that he’ll forget his tendency to trip over
nothing.
Sera smiles at him from the alter, stunning swathed in the
lavender silk of her bridesmaid’s dress. The bouquet spill pink orchids down
his fingers and he almost cries at how perfect she is. For dealing with his
moods, for understanding. There’s no guilt in the smile he graces her this
time, No pretending. Only the clammy slick sweat of his palms as his shoes
crush the petals lining the aisle.
Jay giggles his approval, forgetting the running joke of
‘bride’ and dress suggestions in the warmth of the actual event. The flowers were
a compromise to the image though, even if he secretly agrees they contrast
nicely against his tux. It doesn’t take long to find Erika either, ready to
catch the look that dawns on Seth’s face with a private smile.
“I told you” it says- so very smug and Erika. “I told you he
made the right decision”.
His prediction isn’t disappointed, of course. Not with the
way Seth looks at him. The way he looks at Seth. Dazed and wondering what kind
of miracle he pulled to deserve this. Like he’s the greatest thing to ever
happen to him in his life, really and how could you possibly think a marriage
would change that? Do anything but make a bond stronger?
And everything might change from this point, yeah. Maybe it
was the end of the safety zone, no turning back once the rings were on and lips
pressed tight. It officially began three weeks after “Best friends forever” but
he has a feeling this started long before that, from sandbox playdates and
awkward first dates to a marriage proposal that took three months of encouragement
from Sera to go through with.
“ Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence
of these witnesses, to join Seth and Shane-“
And yes, Seth thinks to himself. definitely the right
decision.
^^
Sunday, June 17, 2012 @ 6:36 AM
MUSE
Arara. Been so bored these few days! I'm doing everything except what I should be doing ): My blocks zzzz
Oh wells! At least I finished a drawing :D Based on someone's art piece heh ^^
Niou <3
The wonders of photoshop in adding shades~ And removing ugly pencil marks~
I'll do one RizaxRoy one soon (after blocks). Fingers are itching.
Thursday, May 24, 2012 @ 8:30 AM
Everything in life is luck
What a long break from posting! ):
H3 exams, which was quite a while back, was kind of hard. Expected but the problem is that I have no idea if an A is in sight? They have funny marking schemes, which can either make or break one's grades! Well since it's over there's like zero point in crying over split milk I'll just cross my fingers and wish for the best.
Funny how tomorrow's going to be the last day of the term. It's so ... fast? Holidays would just go poof and blocks will come and prelims and later A levels.
I wondered what happened to my love for long long long posts. I'll getting too lazy to even type now. Is that why everyone is moving to tumbler, where words are minimal cause pictures speak a thousand words? I think I'll be sticking with blogger cause I'm adverse to change! Plus I don't really get the concept of posting pictures anyway.
At this point if you are homophobic please refrain from reading on. Shall not risk the chances of you fainting out of horror or something. This video is super epic. I swear it's highly true cause I think I've said almost half the things before HAHAHA
Gay best friends~
Spent one hour today watching funny gay related videos! You can check out the Sassy Gay Friend series they are kind of cute. Plus they have literature references. SMART RIGHT.
The weather's PMSing! Hot and stuffy in the day, rainy and wet at night. Which is why I don't hang out the huisuo as much it's wayyyyyyy too hot for my liking. I'm starting to like the library more and more free aircon yays!
Kind of down these few days. I have the urge to just be antisocial and sulk about in corners. Kick a pebble or two, ignore people, throw a ball. I have no idea why I feel this way but suddenly it's very tiring to be around people HMMMM. I wonder if this is a sign of depression HAHA
Avengers was really cool! During the show I have developed a super obvious bias towards Hawkeye! I suspect it's due to plenty of reasons because he fits many of my bias perfectly. Like how he's an archer! How he's technically a 'normal' human then has worked hard for his shooting abilities! How he went from good to bad to good again! (I love grey characters) He's just superrrrr cool HAHA
Hawkeye~ <3
Am I the only one that finds him really good looking! Why does everyone seem to disagree ):
Thursday, March 22, 2012 @ 9:15 AM
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together
But good things will always come to an end, no?
Such a depressing thought, but in a way it's like relationships falling apart to make room for new ones. In which I insist that there no such thing as an unbreakable relationship. Such a cynic! But every relationship is found based on selfish motives and judgement isn't it? Like how every movement has a force, and every action a motive.
...
I guess that's me for you. Truly negative. They say falling in love will change how you see things very different, cause love is blind :/ But I shall see! Think even in the future I'll stick with this theory and belief of mine.
Speaking of which I realised that unconsciously I ship certain types of pairing more than the others. Which explains why I support ___x___ but is somehow perturbed by __x__. I guess I do not like happy romantic love bubbles expanding into my personal space (which I can deduce to be highly negatively charged). I think people who are in their own personal bubble, like Mr Yee, are really cute in this I'm in my own world way. But when the bubble starts infringing on my private sphere that's kind of creepy! And it spooks me out because I can't understand why they are just so... happy.
That's why I really do not like couples that decide to go into their love bubble right in front of people's CCA room.
And take up people's space some more!
Pffff. I'm being mean.
But Alyssa would agree, no? :D
Blocks are over! For now that is. Not very prepared this time round, I think I spent half of my holidays in a lab and the other half going for random Uni open houses/ uni fairs in a sad attempt to find at least a goal for this year. Which really doesn't seem to help cause the more open houses/ fairs you go the more choices it presents and having zero knowledge on what I truly want it just makes me all the more indecisive.
But I had a good time filling up the Hui Ji with lots of doodles/ sketches / random mugging stuff along with Alyssa HAHA
This song's stuck in my head going round and round eeeps!
Sunday, March 4, 2012 @ 3:20 AM
if no words could reach you
Went to watch the seniors get back their results just the other day.
Hard to imagine that one year down the road, it'll be me standing in their spot, feeling what they felt, reacting like how they reacted.
It's disheartening. And downright demoralizing to see some almost full grown guys tearing. In which the fundamental rule of equivalent exchange doesn't really hold.
End up missing H3 that day. Seriously speaking, I didn't really want to go out of the huisuo and see all those tears, because there's nothing I can possibly say to them to make them feel better.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012 @ 5:43 AM
Non affoga colui che cade in acqua - ma affoga chi male incappa.
First blogpost in a long long time.
First off,
I'm sorry.
Really truly sorry to all those who have believed in me.
Really really really sorry to myself.
Can't really describe this sense of disappointment. It's like coming in waves and waves and the more I think about it, the more sad it becomes.
I guess the idea that the more expectations you have, the more disappointment you get?
Oh wells. But I'll still work hard! (:
Monday, February 27, 2012 @ 6:38 AM
All i ever wanted, was something i couldn't reach
What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive.
I can't keep up and I can't back down,
I've been losing so much time.
I've been driving for an hour
Just talking to the rain
You say I've been driving you crazy
And its keeping you away
So just give me one good reason
Tell me why I should stay
Cause I don't want to waste another moment
In saying things we never meant to say
And I take it just a little bit
I, hold my breath and count to ten
I, I've been waiting for a chance to let you in
If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You'll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe
Well it's all so overrated
In not saying how you feel
So you end up watching chances fade
And wondering what's real
Just talking to the rain
You say I've been driving you crazy
And its keeping you away
So just give me one good reason
Tell me why I should stay
Cause I don't want to waste another moment
In saying things we never meant to say
And I take it just a little bit
I, hold my breath and count to ten
I, I've been waiting for a chance to let you in
If I just breathe
Let it fill the space between
I'll know everything is alright
Breathe
Every little piece of me
You'll see
Everything is alright
If I just breathe
Well it's all so overrated
In not saying how you feel
So you end up watching chances fade
And wondering what's real